And Another Thing...

There are times when real life intrudes the blogosphere and if you're reading this, it means that I've been too busy to write-up a 'normal' post. That means I'm probably in a crappy mood so it's only appropriate that my 'stand-by' post (do other bloggers have these?) is one where I turn into Mr Grumpy and have a good old-fashioned moan.

Pan-Asian Restaurants
There's a group of bright young things out on the town looking for somewhere to eat. One of them wants Thai, one Chinese, whilst the cool kids are torn between Malaysian and Vietnamese. That's where the Pan-Asian eatery comes in, not all of them are shit but plenty are. You know the ones; they'll have banana leaf, mango, or lemongrass in their name. Otherwise, they'll be called something in an indeterminate Asian language that when translated means 'ha-ha, thanks for your hard-earnt'.

The menu will claim to represent the cuisine of a third of the world's population but there will be dishes that bear no resemblance to any Asian cuisine. Much of the food will be pre-prepared, inauthentic ingredients will be used, spicy dishes will be watered down and everything will be too bloody sweet.

Punters that regularly frequent these places should be disappointed but they won't be. That's because most of them don't really care (or realise) what they're eating is a piss poor rendition of some of the world's greatest cuisines.

Service Charge Inflation
I always try and tip at least 10% and don't mind putting more in for exceptional service. So when a restaurant has a 10% service charge, I don't mind too much as long as the service has been OK. I'm not sure when 12.5% service charge became de rigueur but if you're somewhere nice and the service is good then it's no big deal.

But a 15% service charge is just taking the piss. I mean that's nearly as much as the VAT. For that I expect complimentary shoeshine and suit pressing. American readers might think I'm a tight-arse but we don't have that tip equals double-the-tax bollocks in Britain. And whilst we're at it, what is it with Americans calling the main course, an entrée? Do the French call it that? No and it's their bloody language.

What really pisses me off about the 15% service charge is that the places that charge it tend to be posh and expensive anyway. They also know most diners won't kick up a fuss and in fairness, I've never been anywhere with 15% service charge where I've had cause to ask for it to be removed. That said I prefer the decision to leave a generous tip to be mine and not theirs.

I can't believe I've had a good rant and not mentioned how utterly shit some restaurant critics are when they're out of their 'white man food' comfort zone. Well I have now and yes I do mean you, Matthew Norman.

What gets on your nerves in the world of food? Leave a comment and we can all have a therapeutic bitch about it.

The Golden Noodle Awards 2009-10

My friend 'The Ref' isn't really a foodie. I mean this is someone who has the Burger King app on his iPhone. And actually uses it. Nor does he know much about blogging although that doesn't stop him from offering advice on the subject (or any other subject for that matter).

That said, his idea of annual awards was brilliant and his suggestion that they be called 'The Golden Noodle Awards' inspirational. For perhaps the only time in the fourteen or so years I've known him, I have to say I was in total agreement with him. So here goes, five awards covering my first year as a blogger from August 2009. 

The Golden Noodle – awarded to London's best noodles

Winner: Pho Tai Nam by Song Que

I love all kinds of noodles but my preference is for soup noodles. That's not to say the bun dishes, I've had at Mien Tay and at Song Que weren't contenders. A special mention also goes out to the many bowls of dan dan noodles I've eaten, with Sichuan Restaurant's version probably being my favourite.

Now you might think with my Cantonese origins, I'd favour soup noodles from places like Hung's or Wan Chai Corner. The thing is though, I'm too familiar with the likes of wonton noodles and whilst they're good, I know they can be better.

Making a late dash for glory was the noodle on everyone's lips, the udon at Koya. I really enjoyed my niku atsu-atsu and this dish takes the bronze medal. Just ahead in the silver medal position was the fish head vermicelli from Rasa Sayang.

The winner was always going to be pho, a dish I think is the king of noodles. I don't track it down as assiduously as I should but if there's a better bowl of pho in London than the pho tai nam from Song Que then can someone let me know ? This hearty bowl of Vietnamese rice noodles with rare steak and well-done flank is a worthy winner of the inaugural Golden Noodle award.

The Golden Restaurant – awarded to the best London restaurant new to me

Winner: Empress of Sichuan

I decided to restrict this award to those restaurants that I first visited in the last year. This rules out old favourites like Chilli Cool, Little Lamb, Medcalf, Pearl Liang, Phoenix Palace, Rasa Sayang, and Song Que.

After much deliberation, I came up with a shortlist of three. 101 Thai Kitchen presses all the right inverted snobbery buttons in that it's more like a canteen, appeals to the Thai community, and is inexpensive. Undoubtedly, the best Thai meal I've had in a long time and it gets the bronze medal.

Roka seems an obvious choice and whilst the food, service and entire experience was of the highest order, I don't think it's fair to compare their expensive tasting menu to the other restaurants, I've been to. This upmarket Japanese place has to settle for silver.

Sichuan food is the cuisine du jour and I'm always keen to sample new places. Of those I've tried for the first time in the past year, my favourite was the Empress of Sichuan, and it's this restaurant that wins The Golden Restaurant award. Authentic, reasonably priced Sichuan food in comfortable surroundings smack bang in the heart of Chinatown – what's not to love ?

The Genius Award – awarded to a plate of food that shows the most genius

Winner: Squid filled with salted duck egg yolk & seaweed by Ya Wang, Beijing

Have you noticed that the most creative dishes are usually at the beginning of a meal ? I mean you seldom see a main course and think wow. More often than not, it's the small dishes that strike you as genius.

And so it is with the contenders for The Genius Award, as they are all starters and small plates. For example, the fried corn w/salted egg from the Sichuan Restaurant, cold baby octopus tossed with chilli, lemon and garlic from Phoenix Palace's dim sum menu, and pig cheeks w/parsnip & Bramley apple from Medcalf.

However, none of these London dishes comes close to the winner from Beijing restaurant, Ya Wang. This specialist duck restaurant knocked up a dish of such creativity, originality and genius that it is seared forever in my memory.

I bet there's many a Michelin starred chef that wishes they lined a squid with seaweed then filled it with salted duck egg yolk. This dish looks good, tastes better and is a resounding two finger salute to all those who think Chinese food lacks art and finesse. In a word, genius.

The Red Card – awarded to who I want to send off the field of food

Winner: Matthew Norman – restaurant critic

This award is dedicated to The Ref, to thank him for the awards concept. I've eaten some bad food and experienced some bad service but nothing has riled me as much as some professional restaurant critics. I know many do an excellent job but some are worthy of an early bath.

I'd like to show yellow cards to Giles Coren (The Times) and Guy Dimond (Time Out) for aiming little bitch-slaps at bloggers. However my bile is ultimately reserved for those critics who know sweet FA about food that doesn't have European DNA. So Toby Young from the Independent is sent off after two yellow card offences. It's bad enough he once reviewed the set menu from a Chinese restaurant but to do it twice is journalism at its most laziest.

But I'd like to award a straight red card to Matthew Norman for writing in The Guardian:

"The last thing you anticipate from even the finest Chinese chef is the showing of respect to the veg."

How can anyone that makes a living from writing about food come out with such ignorant bollocks about Chinese cuisine ? He no longer writes for The Guardian but Norman's insightful wisdom can now be found in the pages of The Daily Telegraph.

Red card image, courtesy Wikipedia

Album of the Year – awarded to my favourite album of the last year

Winner: Ignore The Ignorant - The Cribs

This has sod all to do with food but it's my blog so I get to choose the award categories. I'm not as up on my music as I used to be and I increasingly rely on the young 'uns in my office to help me out. They've switched me onto some great stuff over the last year, in particular the melancholy tunes of The National.

But my favourite album over the last year is by a band that I didn't need an introduction to. The Cribs were a good band but by recruiting guitar legend, Johnny Marr, they're within touching distance of greatness. The album Ignore The Ignorant harks back to a time when indie music hadn't been watered down to the point of almost being homeopathic.

If you like the sound of Johnny Marr's guitar then you should also check out his work with The Smiths, Electronic, The The, and Modest Mouse. 

The Challenge - I'm Gonna Make You Love Chinese Food

In many peoples' eyes, dishes like prawn toast, crispy duck, beef in black bean sauce, sweet & sour pork, and egg-fried rice typify Chinese food. Whilst not exactly the real deal, there's nothing wrong with these clichéd crowdpleasers if they're done well but they rarely are.

It's probably these dishes or 'Set Menu A', as they are collectively known as that my friend Fush 'N' Chups had in mind when she confessed that she was indifferent to Chinese food. Sensing that I was about to launch into my 'but this isn't what the Chinese eat' speech, she challenged me to alter her perceptions of my native cuisine.

I duly accepted the challenge and the next step was to find a venue. It would've been easy to fall back on the tried and trusted but I wanted to find a local neighbourhood joint. My eventual choice of Royal China in Putney might seem like cheating but this restaurant is no longer part of the renowned mini-chain bearing the same name.

Now it's been said that I have strong opinions, always believe I'm right, am selectively competitive and a bit of a control freak. So it'll come as no surprise that I was determined to 'win' this challenge. However, my task became a lot tougher than I first anticipated as Mr Fussy was also joining us for dinner.

Whilst Mr Fussy likes Chinese food, there is a vast array of ingredients that are off-limits (the list is very long - from aubergine to zucchini). Suddenly the menu of 300+ dishes seemed a hell of a lot smaller but I managed to cobble together a selection that in principle met with the approval of my fastidious friend.

The Starters

Knowing that Fush 'N' Chups loves seafood, I ordered steamed fresh scallops (£5.50 each, min order two). The combo of a perfectly cooked sweet scallop with a seasoned soy dip met with her approval. If I was being ultra-critical, I think the scallop would've benefitted from being garnished with some glass noodles.

As one of Mr Fussy's no-no's is shellfish, we ordered some chilli pork dumplings (£5.50). My friends enjoyed these more than I did although we all agreed what little chilli dressing there was lacked fire. Whilst these dumplings were obviously own-made, I took issue with the lack of chives in the pork filling and the slightly thick wrapper. Mr Fussy thought I was being harsh and he ended up taunting me with jibes of ‘who's Mr Fussy now?’.

The Mains

Steamed sea bass w/ginger & scallions (market price, £26.80) is a Cantonese classic and one of my favourites. It's difficult to mess this up as long as the fish is fresh and isn't overcooked. Royal China's rendition didn't disappoint with its 'melt in the mouth' texture. Both my friends were impressed with the quality of this simple yet classy dish. On the downside, we were expecting to see a larger fish for our money. 

I then made a grave tactical error that nearly derailed the challenge. Just what the hell was I thinking ordering a Sichuan dish in a Cantonese restaurant ? Suffice to say the sautéed chicken w/dry chillies Szechuan style (£8.80) was the low point of the evening. This orange coloured dish wasn't particularly spicy and was reminiscent of a bog-standard take-away. It would certainly be unrecognisable to any native of Sichuan and I was livid with myself for ordering this. 

For vegetables, we followed the advice of the waitress and ordered the dao miu or stir-fried mange-tout leaves w/garlic (£8.80). No matter what Matthew Norman, that world-class ignoramus masquerading as a restaurant critic thinks, the Chinese are masters of vegetables. And so it proved here as this tasty plate of greens met with universal approval. 

The Desserts
At this point, I reckon I had only half convinced Fush 'N' Chups. I couldn't afford another error and the desserts had to deliver. Like many a Chinese restaurant dessert menu, there was a lot of uninspired options and I had to choose carefully.

Given how tight the contest was, I was so relieved to see my old friend, sesame dumplings with peanut crumbs (£4.30). I had a feeling that these squishy glutinous rice flour balls filled with an oozy sweet black sesame paste would save the day. And they did. Fush 'N' Chups was so enamoured with these beauties that she would've quite happily devoured another plate.

In contrast, the pan-fried red bean pancake (£5.60) didn't quite hit the same heights. The pancake itself was fine but the red bean paste filling wasn't quite sweet enough. That said, it didn't detract from the meal and I think I had done enough to win the challenge.

The Rest

The dining room had a 1980's feel about it and the restaurant could do with a refurb both inside and out. With a Kiwi at the table, it was inevitable that we ordered a New Zealand wine and the Wairau River Sauvignon Blanc (£26.90) from Marlborough was a sound choice.

I thought the service was very good especially with the recommendation of the dao miu and the expert deboning of the fish. Royal China also serve lunchtime dim sum and based on a previous visit, albeit many years ago, it's pretty competent.

The total bill was £115 including rice and a 12.5% service charge. I know some might baulk at spending nearly £40/head on Chinese food but that's not unreasonable if you order fresh seafood and decent wine. Whether it's good value here is another matter and for that amount of money, I expected more of a 'wow' factor, and a larger sea bass.

Finally a word of warning, the only cards accepted here are AMEX and Diners Club so you might want to go to the cashpoint beforehand.

The Verdict

I wouldn't say that I totally changed Fush 'N' Chups' opinion of Chinese cuisine – my faux pas with the chicken put paid to that. However, I was more than halfway there and I hope she'll sample more of the food of my forefathers.

I probably judged Royal China more harshly than either of my friends (they thought I was being a total arse about the dumplings). That said it's a cut above the average suburban Chinese restaurant and better than many Chinatown joints. As I live near Putney, I'd be happy to return but I'm not sure I'd bother if I lived further away.

Matthew Norman - WTF ?

The last thing you anticipate from even the finest Chinese chef is the showing of respect to the veg. Here, though, the french beans were "wonderful. All spicy and ­perfectly crunchy," cooed my friend.

The above quote is from Matthew Norman's review of My Old Place from the Weekend Guardian magazine (16 January 2010).

So yet again, a 'professional' restaurant critic comes out with complete bollocks about Chinese food. Has this idiot never tasted Cantonese stir-fried pak choi with garlic or sampled fish-fragrant aubergine (yu xiang qiezi) from Sichuan ? Or perhaps, he thinks the chef isn't showing enough respect to veg when putting together lo hon zai or monk's vegetables - a complex dish comprising up to 35 ingredients eaten by Buddhist monks.

Well all I can say is that 'the last thing you anticipate from even the finest British restaurant critic is the showing of respect to Chinese food'.