Eat Noodles Love Noodles: Kiwi

Is this the most pretentious bowl of noodles in London? Well if it isn't then it's almost certainly the one with the longest name: Smoked coconut, tamarind and liquorice laksa with a chicken lime leaf dumpling, green tea noodles, crispy shallots and coriander (£9.30).

Is this a laksa?

Full disclosure. The very notion of a fusion restaurant in chi-chi Marylebone High St appropriating the term, laksa, to describe a bowl of noodles, costing nearly a tenner, offends me on so many levels that I don't even know where to begin. That said, there was something about this dish that intrigued me and I just knew I had to give it a try.

First impressions weren't good. I wasn't expecting a large bowl of noodles but nor did I quite anticipate being served a kid's meal from Lilliput. On the plus side, the broth was different class with the liquorice adding another dimension. But was it a laksa? I'll leave that question to my Malaysian friends to debate further, but in my eyes it wasn't.

World's smallest dumpling

Sadly the rest of the dish was a bit of a letdown, the green tea noodles were overcooked and any subtle tea flavour that they might have had was lost in the aromatic flavoursome broth. The chicken lime leaf dumpling (singular) was nothing short of a joke. The chicken wasn't so much minced but ground to an almost powdery consistency. And could they have made it any smaller?

Joining me for lunch was El Greco and I asked him to see if he could spot anything vaguely Greek on the menu that he might feel was an affront to him or his forebears. He struggled but there was some feta in the sweet potato, feta, spinach, and herb tortilla with yoghurt, basil pesto dressing, pine nuts and greens (£8.80). This was a finely balanced dish that was better suited to summer rather than winter but it was good quality nonetheless. El Greco just wished there was more of it.

At least they were generous with the salad leaves

Has my hand grown?

We also shared a glazed baked duck char siu bun with chilli jam (£6.20). The name of this dish is confusing, if not potentially misleading. I asked the waiter if the bun contained pork, as char siu is taken to mean honey-roasted pork in Chinese. He checked. It didn't. The bun contained just duck. I tell you, this lax use of Chinese food terminology is something that really gets on my tits. To be fair though, the management took on board my constructive criticism of their misuse of the Chinese language with good grace.

Duck but no char siu!

Ignoring char siu-gate, the bun was the best dish that we sampled. It was freshly baked and filled with juicy roast duck but yet again, it was a complete rip-off. Given how small the bun was, it wouldn't have been unreasonable to be served three, in the style of dim sum, rather than one for £6.20. The only other (minor) complaint was that the chilli jam was slightly overpowering. In my opinion, plum sauce would've been a better accompaniment.

The Details
The Providores and Tapa Room is one of London's most celebrated restaurants and needs little introduction. It consists of two separate dining rooms, the first floor Providores restaurant and the ground floor Tapa Room. We dined at the latter, which being a more casual café-style operation is the cheaper of the two.

The owner, Peter Gordon is a famous Kiwi celeb chef and a champion of fusion cuisine. These influences can be seen throughout the menu, which is quite possibly the most irritating menu ever. For God's sake, is there really any need to list all the chuffing ingredients in each and every dish?

The bill came to £27.34 including 12.5% service – this was just for the food, as we drank tap water. Even allowing for its Marylebone High St location, this was bloody expensive for what it was.

The Verdict
Restaurants like The Providores and Tapa Room aren't my natural habitat. However, it wasn't the fusion cuisine that I disliked – our food was by and large fine – it was the relationship between portion size and price.

We could've easily eaten double the amount of what we ordered or to put it another way, spend nearly £30 each (without drinks) on a quick workday lunch. For that kind of price, there are many other places that I'd rather visit.

But hey, what do I know? Despite the exorbitant prices, this is a very popular restaurant and in the 45 minutes or so that we were there, it was never less than busy. No mean feat for a Tuesday lunchtime.